I'm back!

Or not... I stumbled upon my old blog and read my posts. It made me laugh, come to several realization and laugh again. I hope to keep writing which heavily translates to ranting. Which I should probably stop since I have a lot of great things going for me for so long. I am in a better place. I finally feel at peace with my life. I am content with everything. I still strive for other things but they do not take over my entire life. They are just under the "nice to have". Who would've thought I would get in this place? And just so we're clear, I am really grateful. A fast track update on my life: 1. I now have a 3 year old daughter. I didn't know my heart was capable of so much love and emotion after giving birth to my daughter. 2. I have left PS, joined Xerox, went back to PS then left again. I am now in a non-BPO company called Coats. Mostly good times. Could be better but I'll live. 3. We're having our house built. So there. Let's see how I can manage to keep this up this time around.

02.03.10

I turned 27 last Friday, January 29. How does 27 feel? Well, it felt flat. Ok. So maybe not entirely but the bone of contention for me was that I did not get the giddy feeling I used to get whenever my birthday comes up. It was as if I was going through the motion. And that made me extremely sad.

Back then, as soon as the year hit the “Ber” months I am all hyped up for the holiday season simply because I know that it’s celebration after celebration. Christmas will be followed by New Year then my birthday. When John and I got together it has gotten even better. What with Anniversary, Christmas, New Year, my birthday and Valentine’s I should be stoked afterwards! But that’s not the case anymore. It made me realize that a lot of things have consumed my life. And I would have to say that the most consuming right now is work. I have been saying this for over a year and I am saying it again, I am tired. The reason that was holding me back before has gotten bigger. I am thinking again if this is all worth it. It doesn’t help that I am once again feeling helpless with the given situation. I am tired. My team is tired and the morale is low. People are stretched so thin that you can see through it but I am aware that not all are at their optimal performance.

Maybe the 4-day off is the culprit for this nagging feeling. But I wonder, if all is well shouldn’t I be energized to go back to work and dive right into it after my rest period. Instead, I want more. I have a list of things to do and they just keep on getting longer. And I simply don’t have the will and energy to work on them. I am so tempted to go to my supervisor and tell him that I won’t be going back to work tomorrow, that they can cope without me. I am sure they will. I’ve seen it happen before. If that’s not the case, I should have seen Jelo’s replacement. Things have been far more complicated and I signed up for it. I did not know that it would break me more often that it would make me feel fulfilled.

I want contentment. I want simplicity. I do not like the circus that I am in together with the freaks that are masquerading as clowns. I know I should have the power to change my destiny but you will find out soon that I am always lost and that I go with the flow. It has worked well for me. It has gotten me where I am now both in a very good standing career-wise and a ruckus which is my personal life.

I have often wondered when the other shoe would drop. Is it anytime soon?

Heart don't fail me now. Courage don't desert me.

“Anyone can give up it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s the true strength.”

John and I were discussing my possible resignation when that *points upward* quote flashed on the TV screen. Coincidental much? I am now at a point wherein I just want to throw in the towel, quit work and bum and sleep all day until I get tired of it. But there is still something inside me that tells me not to let go. I figured that it is mainly my pride. My pride just won’t let me let others think that they were right. That they were right when they thought that I cannot handle the position and that there’s a better person for it out there. My pride just won’t let me let others think that I am weak. I have always prided myself to be strong so that is harder for me to swallow.

Family and friends have all said that they would support my decision if I do decide to give up. They say that they miss the old me; the old me that was fun, lively and not dead-stressed with work. Even my husband who lives on the same house with me tells me that he misses me.

That is one of the things that makes me sad about this whole thing. This is taking over my life. But then again, this can’t go on forever right? But can I wait ‘til it’s over? I really don’t know.

I told John that even before I went into the fight (which is accepting the new challenge that comes with the position) I was already tired with everything related to work. And now that I am in it already, I realize that it requires a lot from me. Something that I don’t know how to give because it wasn’t there in the first place. The glitz of getting a higher position blinded me and now I not only fail myself, I also fail those who believed in me. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that I will fail the people who believe in me.

What will happen to my life if I decide to quit? What will happen to my future? Where do I go now? What do I do? I can’t seem to find the answer. But what I do know is every day is a struggle and Monday is a bigger one. Hey! What do you know? It is a Monday today.

Namaste

I finally did it! I went to a yoga class. Bikram yoga to be exact. It was a very good experience and I am definitely coming back. I have to be honest though, I was on the verge of walking out in the middle of the class. It was freaking hard! My arms were hurting like hell and my muscles have been tightened and pulled already and I was still having a hard time! It's really a good thing that I have been doing sports for over 2 months already. I don't mind the heat. I was OK with it actually. It made me sweat even more. As I have told John, I have never sweat in my entire life as much as I did on that 90 minute session. So, I am coming back. Namaste!

Just a random thought. I want to go to the following places before I die and it would even be better while I am below 40.

1. New York (Central Park)
2. Bahamas
3. Santorini
4. Phuket
5. Bali

ho-hum

I had a friend who resigned from her management job and accepted a lower position from another company. At first I couldn’t understand the choice that she made. I even called it an irresponsible decision. Now, looking back at it and after talking to her and telling me that she is much happier with a simple life it made me think twice about my previous judgment. Now, I am thinking that she was brave to let go of something big to face something bigger. When she let go of the management position, I would think that she also lost a great deal of monthly income and also the authority to be answerable to maybe a few (management) people. But she still braved it to make herself happy and have peace of mind. It made me think. What I am doing right now, is this being responsible or being cowardly?

Susmaryosep!

All I read in this email was WHINE, WHINE, WHINE!

I don’t know if this matters but I rarely take calls. In a month, I could probably receive at least 8 – 13 calls or less so I don’t see the point why instead of focusing the troubleshooting on agents, its now focusing on someone who rarely takes calls. Question though, Are there only 2 PCs reported to your department which is not capturing any screenshot? Because I’ve been noticing a lot of representatives (who takes calls everyday) who is also not capturing screenshots. One of my concerns is that my files, profiles and etc. might be (again) erased and it would be hard for me to get them back because I still need to create tickets to request for it to be fixed. I’m currently the one generating the overall QA Reports for this account and I don’t want this to delete my files and remove my access to drives.


Kayo na ang nagsabi habang pinagchi-chismisan niyo ako, gawin ko ang trabaho ko di ba? This person is really pushing the right buttons on my angry switch. Makes me wonder kung ano ba ang tinatago niya sa PC niya. It's that or hindi siya nakakaintindi ng ingles. Kasi yung previous reply ko, sinagot ko na lahat ng tanong niya e. Makakalbo ako. Sana wag siyang sumabay di ba. Nakaka-stress! *sinasabunutan ang sarili*

Choose your battles wisely, Kats...

I am so naive to think people are nice. I can't believe I got attacked personally like that and I was realy pissed off. One of the things that I hate about it is the fact that we are all professionals here. For you to say such things about me to other people when you yourself don't know me is something that I cannot comprehend. I have things going on my mind that I want to tell you but I chose not to. I won't go down your level. Because you know what? I AM A LEVEL ABOVE YOU AS A PERSON AND IN THIS INSTITUTION. Yet, I am human. I have to get this out and make myself feel good by writing in my blog.

Alam mo kung anong gusto kong sabihin sayo? Eto.

Sampid ba? Masyado mo naman pinanghawakan ang trainee position ko. Sir, kahit tanggalin mo ang trainee title ko, pareho pa din tayo ng levels. Pareho tayong level 4. Kaso hindi yan ang lagay ngayon e. Kasi simula sa araw na ito, mas mataas na ang level ko sayo. So pag sinabi kong kumpunihin mo yan, gawin mo.


The power of recording. I have always been fine with people talking about me. I just hate it when I get to know what they say about me and I was not given an option to fight back. It was not intentional that I got to listen to the call. I was doing my job. And I stumbled upon it by accident. I always say that when you have something to say to me, say it in my face. That way I get to defend myself or concede if what you say is true. But apparently, you have no fucking balls.

Jelo told me that his opinion should not matter since he is somebody who doesn't matter to me nor to anybody high up in this office. But again, I am just human. I did not do anything to him that should give him the right to talk about me like that. He just didn't have the right.